that time has seemed to roll back around.
and this is my only source of comfort: the words i try to frantically type out before they escape my mind.
the walls have all crashed down. and not in an eyeopening way.
more like the whole "end of the world" type way.
destruction and chaos everywhere.
i could feel it building up and dreaded the downfall that i knew would be inevitable.
i feel like a completely different person when i write on these things.
a person few will ever be able to see, not because i'm hiding it or don't want to let others in.
because i suppose it's fear more than anything. i can speak to myself all day long
but when i physically speak with somebody else, i stumble over my own clumsy words
each a little worse than the last. and i wonder if i'm even making any sense to the other person at all.
even my 'deepest' of moments seem rather shallow and don't have much meat to them.
they're merely skeletons.
and that's how i feel.
the things that should give me life, aren't here right now.
not in a physical sense. figuratively only.
i don't even have the faintest desire to do anything that could potentially make me happy.
because i know it won't.
i've listened to the same old reliable songs. watched the same timeless movies. talked to the
golden people. forced a smile on my face.
but that doesn't take me out of this hole i've managed to put myself in without even realizing it.
i'm not wallowing in my own pity. i'm not wallowing for others.
i'm not even sure why i'm upset.
i feel like i will never be good enough. i will let everyone down. i will let myself down.
and i don't want to include any other people that i could possibly drag down with me.
i don't want to have to explain myself further to anybody. because i know it won't make sense.
i have every reason on this earth to smile, to be happy, to feel love. but why can't i?
those few moments i wrote about a post or two ago, are the only times i do feel those things.
when they aren't around i feel completely hallow. even the marrow has been sucked out of my bones.
and i can't begin to explain why.
i'm sure by writing this i'm wasting precious space for porno websites and 15 year old girls
who make their lives seem 10 times worse than what they actually are by use of some random blog.
probably much like i'm doing right now.
the money doesn't make you happy.
the possessions don't make you happy.
and, as much as you wish it helped, the people don't seem to make you happy.
what do you do then?
i feel like a horrible person that i can't find happiness in my friends.
i love them all more than my own life. and would give mine for them to just smile.
why can't i feel okay?
i haven't gotten out of my bed all day. the shutters have remained closed.
the same sappy,mellow-dramatic music has been pulsing through the wires to my ears.
why is it that sometimes the saddest of things are what we need to bring us back to the level we should be at.
'she fell in love in the first place'
-i did and i haven't been the same since
i'm rambling about absolutely nothing.
i can't cry. i should cry. let it out. but i can't. i feel the hurt seeping up my throat.
and getting caught there, never making it to my eyes.
i'm left speechless.
i wonder if this is the 'sophomore slump' they refer to?
i want to not be me. i want it to be halloween.
i want to be in LA living a lie.
i want to bask in the sun and let waves crash over me and let the tide take away whatever this is.
i want to stay out until the sun comes up, with the people that make this life worth living everyday.
and i fear that i won't get that. i want out of this town. out of this state.
i want to see what life is like away from all of this. and i want to bring those that truly love me with me.
my dreams seem so unrealistic.
that's what breaks my heart most i think,
to realize what you want, is a big joke.
something you'll just talk about during the idle times of chitchat and there's nothing better to say.
it's not that i've grown out of this town, or most of the people.
i just don't feel like this is my 'home' anymore.
i think those days died when my childhood faded away.
this is probably just some phase, but somehow i don't think it is. and i don't think it will leave till i do.
i feel like a stranger in my house.
i feel psycho.
not in the sense that i should do something incredibly drastic and stupid.
but just psycho in general terms.
i don't know what else to say.
if you've never heard the song 'all i want' by toad the wet sprocket
check it out. even the lyrics.
you'll enjoy it, i've listened to it on repeat for the past 20 minutes
