"there is always one addiction that just can not be controlled"

you are mine.

seven short days
eight long nights
they've began to bleed together into one beautiful piece.
floating and falling all at the same time.
how did you do this to me?
i'm clinging to safety as you storm through my mind.
i'm slowly starting to lose my grip.
i'm so scared to leave but more afraid to let go.
holding on will leave me alone, but away from the potential hurt from the storm.
letting go i face a new world of uncertainy as to whether i can even survive.
i've known you for lifetimes before, yet i have barely scratched the surface of who you are.
i fear i will never be what you really need, and that i will fail you.
every word that flows from your mouth, i listen with wonder and awe.
i, for once, am not questioning intentions nor seeking a hidden motive.
oh this is the start of something good, don't you agree?
i already love you.
i'm fucked.

'we'll pretend that this meant something so much more'

she overanalyzes the silence inbetween the sighs and shallow breathing.
she runs without hesitation to the thought of forever.
"one day you'll leave me" drowned out by the beating of her heart.
this isn't right, and it never was. the pieces don't fit as they should.
force them together, you can make them work with just the right glue.
would it kill you, girl, to admit that you're wrong?
swallow your pride, leave now with your dignity intact
and your heart almost in one piece.
everything below the neck is nothing more than damaged goods,
and from the looks of things the attaic is starting to become a bit cluttered.
you're keeping memories that were never yours, get rid of them now.
"you're better than this, and you're better than them", if that's what helps you sleep.
breathe deep and close your eyes, little one.
the morning sun is going to rise and you'll be just fine.
you can get through this night, i know you can.
your heart will forgive, but it will never forget.
let the hushed words of others play like a lullaby in your mind.
hold on tight, the morning sun is still going to rise.
close your eyes, little one, close your eyes.

"forget december"

the chemical imbalance rages on
all is hopeless in this home
there is no pine tree smell floating through the air.
no starry skies that range as far as the eye can see.
the sky is clouded with the worries of the world
no routine science could heal the sickness we rehearse.
we're all broken. we're all searching.
heavy hearts and making bargains with God
that seem to be going unheard.
the tears fall and the voices rise
and this month only will be so lonely.
there is no crisp air ripe with chimney smoke flowing from rooftops,
its been replaced with hot steam from the dirty, worn pavement
and the feeling of regret for another year that has flown by.
two weeks and the skeletons of good cheer and symbols of hope will
line the streets. they're dead and gone and soon to be forgotten
as most things are.
back to square one and a year that will be filled with failed dreams.
failed romances.
failed relationships.
lowered expectations.
things we all swore we would resolve and change.
things that all withstand the tests of time.
it's an ongoing, expected cycle that has a sick sense of home to it.
on christmas morning, outside was pouring
all was hopeless in this home.

"hurt myself again today, and the worst part is, there's no one else to blame"

repeated songs wearing out misunderstanding ears,
screams silenced by a jaw pressed too tightly shut.
jittery hands without a home, searching for solace wherever they find warmth,
a heart beating in rhythm with those that are never brought to life.
eyes tired of stinging from overused tears from an overworked mind.
the world is never behind you, it's always two steps ahead
and you are lost somewhere in the arms race with a million people just like you,
striving for originality and trying to make their mark on this planet.
but for some reason, the air still seeps into your lungs and wakes you up each day,
to fight, to live, to love, to rage.
it's so easy to let your knees collapse, your eyes to shut, and your arms raise in surrender...
sometimes i wish i could find my white flag.
for the masses to engulf me until i'm as physically damaged as my mind sometimes feels.
be my friend.

whatever.

even when i don't talk to you, you somehow find a new way to break my heart.
i don't know if if the sickness in my body, or the uncertainty of my mind.
this just feels like some never-ending hallway and i'm finally running out of steam.
i've given it everything i had, and my best wasn't enough.
missed calls and late replies are the story of my life.

i project the love i have inside to so many unwilling people.
and i don't learn.
maybe because i'm scared of getting the same reaction from them.
for them to want to be devoted to me.
that's uncertainty.
we all fear the unknown.
but if i fear it, how can i yearn for it?

this is silly and small and pointless. but i had to get it out... it's nothing major.

it's silly what one little photograph can do.

"i'm willing to break myself, i'm not afraid"

i can't seem to find the right words
to the thoughts i'm trying to process.
why waste time trying to find
lengthly words, when you won't remember
the things i've so desperately tried to convey.
you are the song i've grown to love with age.
you are the comfort you can only find during winter naps.
you are the controlled chaos i want to be a part of.
the wishful thinking that flows through my mind
as the hours slip away and blend into one another,
falls short of actually meaning something.
things would be far easier in a different time and a different place.
you are a world away from me.
and these silly words are a poor portrayal of what i'd really like to say,
but each word has been carefully thought out and put down with care.
we're not always supposed to get what we want,
that's where settling slowly makes it's entrance.
and maybe i don't want to settle, maybe i want catastrophe.
maybe i want to hurt just to feel a minute of the risk i'd be willing to take.
regardless of what may come or what has been, i will love you.
i will love you for your mistakes.
i will love you for your triumphs.
i will love you for your silly way with words.
i will love you for your open arms and gentle heart.
i'd like to believe i know a part of you that no one else gets to see,
a side that is vulnerable, and perhaps scared of what may happen.
i don't know who you are, but i want to.
i want to know everything that you're willing to tell me.
i'm already scared of what i might find... let's hope not.
"i want to save you, i need you to save me too"

maybe these words bear little impact,
but at least i tried.


i will be with you

xo

The Salvation of Carpal Tunnel

happiness never lasts forever.
the ties have slowly come undone-
bang.
bang.
bang.
- but new knots have began forming inside me.
this bed of needles has slowly started to sting.
pour salt in the wounds, i want sweet distraction.
bang.
bang.
bang.
i focus so hard on the cries and the screams
i forget to breathe.
my teeth grind harder and harder till the pain sets in.
bang.
bang.
bang.
nobody would believe me if i spoke it out loud.
so i'll write, write till my fingers lose all feeling.
till my eyes cross and i'm blinded by the glow of this screen.
the only company i can keep.
this clock has proven to tick on schedule,
the fall out has came just as expected.
bang.

bang.

BANG.