Here's to the kids...

"Here's to the kids. The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.
Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.
Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.
Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool.
Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV...and blame MTV for ruining their life.
Here's to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.
Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.
Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.
Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed.
Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn't feel so alone after doing so.
Here's to the kids who spend their days in photo booths with their best friend(s).
Here's to the kids who are straight up smart asses & just don't care.
Here's to the kids who speak their mind.
Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.
Here's to the kids who second-guess themselves on everything they do.
Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that. Here's to the kids."
- Peter Wentz

WE ARE THOSE KIDS. STAND UP. BE BRANDED. BE PROUD. SCREAM IT. LOUD. LOUDER.
WELCOME.

"won't you think i'm pretty when i'm standing top the bright lit city..."

every muscle in my body feels alive.
blood pumping at a steady pace through each capillary,
bringing life to everything it touches.
i have this incredible feeling with each mini explosion.
visions of fireworks and secret kisses
meant only for necks and lips to discuss.
it feels like your hand is tracing every inch of me.
i feel infinite.
i feel unstoppable.
i feel chaotic.
i feel out of control.
and i love it.
i love that it feels like my body is moving twice as fast as my mind;
that it feels like cars are crashing beneath my skin and the vapors
cannot escape, they are suspended in my vocal cords with excitement.
are you going to be another victim?
what if i want you to be?
what if i want you to damage everything i've worked to earn and build?
crash it all, everything. i want you to.
i want you to send me off the edge. to break my reality into a million
pieces so my eyes can grow wide and wild with pure delight.
break me, it's been too long.
i need a fix as soon as possible.
i need you to be my drug.
i want you to be my drug.
taint my lungs. eat at my mind. wreck my heart. shatter my nerves.


am i so crazy?


love is addiction.
love is obsession.


i'm looking for a new bad habit.




keep close.
pay attention.
i'll leave the light on.

good lord.

i wish people, mainly my family,
would back the fuck off of me sometimes.

my generation disappoints me more everyday.

a close friend just posted a bulletin on myspace.
it has disturbed me beyond all belief
and has brought me to the verge of tears.

i reposted the bulletin, but i will not put it on here.
basically, the video is of three trashy teenage girls.
they're in the back of this car and in the floorboard
you can see a small child sitting, her eyes upward
and glazed over. these sad, pathetic excuses for
humans, had given this small child ecstasy. as if this
isn't enough, they are yelling at one another,
listening to their ipod's, and texting on their cell
phones. this little girl, her eyes are literally rolling
to the back of her head. naturally, this would
scare the hell out of most people, but then i forgot
that most people have the common knowledge, much
less the decency, to not give a child a party drug.
instead of comforting this little girl, they egg her on.
they place a headphone in her ear and every time her
eyes begin to roll back, they proceed to slap her head.
the entire time, they are laughing and living it
up, saying "oh she wanted it. she wanted it." oh yes.
i guess i missed that lesson on giving a child
everything they want and it being a good thing.
it amazes me. just simply amazes me. furthermore, these
'girls', which i dare call them that because i view them
as trash and an absolute disgrace to the vast majority
of my of own gender, are from the southern part of the
United States. fitting, right?
maybe this is old news, i'm not quite sure. either way,
it's very new to me. it has broke my heart. if that child
belonged to one of those horrid examples of a human,
God bless it. it simply amazes me how anybody can
become a parent. anybody. most of these people, abort,
or worst-throw away, their CHILDREN. their BABIES.
i don't care the situation you are in, what has happened,
or how much of a mistake it is, how it could ruin your
future. if you're mature enough, and have enough free time,
to be promiscuous, you have the time to be a parent
or at least put that LITTLE BIT OF YOU in a safe, loving
home where somebody who wants him or her can give
him or her the life YOUR sorry ass could never provide.
but, hey, being selfish is better right?
right.
silly, stupid me to forget.

sometimes i wonder how people can rest their heads at night.

'move along move along..."

welcome to your own personal dark ride.
it's filled with monsters and demons.
fears and phobias you must face down.
fun-house mirrors decorate the walls
distorting any clear view of reality you might have.
the dry ice fills each room... keeping any rational thought from forming.
the ghosts of your past constantly appear behind your shoulder,
breathing down your neck. fighting to pull you back to the places
you've struggled to break away from.
the lullaby of laughter seems so distant from where you are.
each dark hallway is never ending, the light is so far away.
watch your footing carefully, rethink each step, because the
floors and paths are everchanging. they wait, they yearn,
for you to fall. to be sucked so deep in the quicksand that you never
stood a chance. they don't want a fair fight.
they want those below the belt hits. sucker punches to the ego- or
the lack thereof.
but with each hit, each fall, each loss, you gain strength.
strength to push back those nightmares.
to clear the fog that blinds you.
to find that firm ground and stand with your held high.
but don't put your guard down. there is always, always, something
waiting behind each turn. each obstacle that you approach.
you won't get it right the first time around, no one ever does.
you're not expected to, because if you were,
it wouldn't be worth it in the end.
you value each blow. each fall. each moment you think that you can't
possible continue on. the moment where you want all the bad to
devour you. eat you alive. consume everything you are.
because that would be the easy way out of things. the 'cure'.
but fight, fight with everything in you to keep going.
the laughter will get louder.
the light will glow brighter than before.
welcoming arms will reach for your returning embrace.
and the ride will be over.
you will have made it out alive.
you will have proved the warnings wrong.
you have faced down your demons and your vices. alone.
you have earned a little more self respect for yourself.
you can now enter this ride again, and laugh at the cheap, faulty
effects that once had you buckling at your knees with fear.
you've made it through. be proud of yourself.
you've earned it all by yourself.
nobody can ever take that away from you.

my nights turn into days before i know it

it's absolutely amazing to me how i stay up until six in the morning.
i'm so tired, yet i don't sleep. i can't. this time i don't have an answer
as to why i'm not sleeping. usually i have a lot on my mind. stress.
but not this time. there's really nothing there. just recaps of mindless
youtube videos. reruns of made. and the same old songs that have
gotten me through so much.
i'm alone. in every sense right now. most of the people in my little world
are currently residents of the land of sleep.
i, on the other hand, am currently the living dead.

there is an odd peace to staying up so long.
i get to watch a new day start. a day that has so much potential for so many.
babies will be born. loved ones will pass. hearts will be crushed. love will be found.
this day, like EVERYDAY, is already filled with adventure. with a new story.
it's all in what you choose for it to be.
that's an obvious statement that so many have put within their blogs/journals
to sound deep and insightful. i'm fairly sure that i have wrote about that very
concept. regardless of how many times it's been said. and no matter which
variation you have read in it, it holds true.
make the best of what you have while you have it.
go out. be crazy. embarass yourself. laugh with everything you have in you.
with your head back. tears filling your eyes. to the point where you cannot breathe.
run around. be stupid. speak your mind. say what you feel. confront your fears. speak
your peace. let go of the past. move forward ot the future. love with every cell in you.
let go of that hate and resentment that eats away at you like a vicious cancer.
be the bigger person. accept an apology. give an apology. move on with your life.
sing until all the air has left your lungs. dance like an idiot despite your lack of rhythm.
and most importantly, let people know how much you love them. tell them they're needed.
let them know. it doesn't matter if you have to slap them across the face and yell at them.
just let them know. verbally, nonverbally. it doesn't matter. doing something for somebody
else is one of the most rewarding feelings you can ever experience.

there is so much i would like to do with my life.
i want to travel. i hope to one day be able to say i've been to italy, germany, england, japan, and canada.
i want to be a loving, devoted wife.
i want kids... i want the american dream. i want suburban life. i want the white picket fence with a puppy running around in the yard.
i want to motivate people i want to impact their lives for the better.
i want to try things i'm scared of. i want to write. i want to get into photography.
i want to live in california.

i want
i want
i want
i want

i could go on all day about the things i want. in order of importance. in order by 'size'.
it doesn't matter. that's all wishful thinking in written form.
none of it matters. they're merely dreams.
i don't want just dreams. i want reality. and i firmly believe if i push myself, i can obtain each thing i want.

"do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face..."

self acceptance.
self love.

two of the most important things on this earth.
there are so many reasons for each person on this earth
to absolutely hate themselves.
to let that flame lick your skin longer, the blade go deeper,
and for a few more pills to dance down your throat.
the world we live in is wretched. it's full of deceitful, hateful,
conceited creatures.
yet, somehow through all of these negative attributes, we find
people who love us. the ones who pray that we won't find the
'courage' to do unspeakable things to ourselves behind closed doors.
these people, are the reason each of us drag ourselves out of bed each day.
without them, we are nothing.
they are what makes this fucked up world keep going.
despite all of our self loathe and hate, they find something in us
that they view as amazing. something that makes them, drives them,
to keep talking to our sorry, pathetic selves.
these are the golden people. a rare and dying species of human.
they are as rare and precious as the title they have been given.
they are pure. they are beautiful. they are to be admired.
but they are usually misused and tarnished with age.
to those golden people who i have somehow stumbled upon:
thank you.
i could go for days about why i appreciate you. why i love you.
but, a simple thank you says more than the millions of words i could say.

i believe to be loved, we must first love ourselves.
and if this is so, i just made a hypocritical statement.
but in each of us. we have a dim light that shines continuously.
when we ace that test, master that next level, make somebody happy...
that is when that flame grows, if only for a brief second. and for that second
we find our own self love. it may not last, but it's there. we all have been
given the potential to love ourselves.
i also believe that is on of the major reasons we are on this earth.
so love ourselves. to accept our flaws. to grow from our mistakes that
bound us to pasts we'd rather forget with age.
once we have learned that we're not half as bad as we so harshly can view ourselves...
we can continue our journey on this earth.

it is so easy to love others. but do we love them for who they are?
or do we love them for the things we want, the things we wish we could be?
is it merely admiration disguised as love?
or do we 'love' them for how they make us feel?
do we love them for building us up when our world crumbles down around us?
is it truly possible that we love these people around us...
for THEIR flaws. for their mistakes. for their imperfections.
for how we make them feel when they are in need.

i've currently lost my way with words. my metaphors have escaped me.
perhaps i needed to put these thoughts directly out there. and not cloak them
in phrases that need further explanation.
maybe it's time i stop hiding completely behind my comparisons.
maybe it's time to expose myself a bit more, although the people who read this
already know exactly what i'm talking about, hence the metaphors serve no actual
purpose to anyone other than myself and those i don't wish to completely enter
my mind.

enough rambling. enough.

i lost my fear of falling...

i will be with you


i will be with you.

....

Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun
Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come
And I can't help but feel attached
To the feelings I can't even match
With my face pressed up to the glass, wanting you
Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sky
Wonderful, it's wonderful, to know that you're just like I
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell
Who'll you love and who you won't
And I love you, as you love me
So let the clouds roll by your face
We'll let the world spin on to another place
We'll climb the tallest tree above it all
To look down on you and me and them
And I'm sure you know me well, as I'm sure you don't
But you just can't tell, who you'll love and who you won't
Don't let your life wrap up around you
Don't forget to call, whenever
I'll be here just waiting for you
I'll be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you
I'll be under the stairs forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

Under This Sky With You

well hey i was thinking
maybe we could makeout on the steps by your front door
then take a walk to my block with the time that we've got
and maybe talk some more'bout the stars that we see,
bout the plans that we've made and the signs we never quite understood
i can't think of nowhere i'd rather bethan under this sky with you
well hey i was thinking, maybe i don't want,
maybe i don't want this night to end
and maybe i don't want you to stop thinking about me
well hey i was thinking, maybe we could make it if we run
and don't look back. cause these roads they can't stretch that far
and the sky it can't turn too black. and i was hoping maybe that you tell me
someday you finally feel okay and maybe i won't worry
bout things that make you hurry to get through these days
well hey i was thinking, maybe we could makeout while our hands do the talking
cause you you've got your soft voice
and you know i've never been the best with words
___________________________________________________________


if you can find somebody to sing this to me.
i'll be the happiest girl ever.
no lie.

do it =)

Here's what you do.

List fictional characters that you would like to hear from. (i.e. mickey mouse). Or famous people you would like to hear from. (i.e. michael jackson).Your friends are supposed to reply back as one of those characters, and write you a letter from whatever character they choose from your list.

Have fun with it.

_____________________________________________

1. Patrick Stump
2. Tucan Sam
3. Cheer Bear
4. Noah Calhoun
5. Harry Potter
6. Jack Black

"i just don't wanna miss you tonight"

but that's what i find myself doing.
missing you more and more.
all of you.
the people who are still in photographs around my room.
the ones who may not have accepted me for the most part
but i found a strange comfort in.
i have this unexplainable emptiness in me.
i'm not depressed by any means
but i can't get full, i should stop, but i can't.
i miss the past, i love my future, but it'd be nice to
time travel back and relive some moments.
everything feels so surreal. like none of the pieces
of the puzzle are lining up like they should.
the edges are too jagged.
the key is far too small for the lock.
i suppose coming home, made me wanna leave again.
this is my home, but it's not where i belong anymore.
i would love to travel. see everything i can see.
learn about different cultures. see every tourist trap.
maybe one day i'll find the courage to try it, just pick up
and go. with nothing but a suitcase, some money, my car,
and my best friend.
i suppose i'm writing to be writing. no other reason.
i've rediscovered my love for reading.
when i was a child, that's where i found my peace.
i'd bury myself so far into books, anything i could get my hands on.
most of the time, i wouldn't fully understand the meanings
of the words that my mind would process. but, i found family
in the characters within the covers. the ones i'd stay up with until
the sun would rise. the ones that i would always be sad to see leave
when i finally reached the final page.
i envisioned my life being like those books, exciting, yet typical.
i would have the 'normal' teenage life. perhaps books ended up making
me have the high expectations i have now.
i find myself being the 8 year old version of me. reading as much as possible
to escape reality for a just a few hours.

also, i hand wrote an entry during my week hiatus.
i can't even tell you what i wrote about. maybe i'll type it up and post it.
maybe not.
it's nothing too personal. not that there are any boundaries here.
it felt odd forming the words with my own hand. seeing the letters loop
and curve to form words, then sentences, then small paragraphs.
somehow, it seemed more intimate, more personal. but less me.
i was facing the truth head on. typing seems to require less effort.
you dont look at what you're doing. you just, type. writing requires you to focus
on the formation of each words birth.

alright, enough foolishness for tonight.
i'm going to go enjoy the last half hour of this festive day.

i love when the perfect song comes on just when you need it...

but i'm a creep.
i'm a weirdo.
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here.
i don't care if it hurts.
i wanna have control.
i want a perfect body.
i want a perfect soul.
i want you to notice when i'm not around.
you're so fucking special.
i wish i was special.

i couldn't have said it any better myself.


i don't know how you are, or where you are for that matter.

if if makes you happy, good.
but i wish i could have a little indication of what you need,
rather than having to learn it in my own pathetic way.

i am overdramatic.
or perhaps i feel what a lot of people have learned to live without.
i've never lived WITH it. i have nothing to lose.
but i would love to have the opportunity to be able to be in the position
to have everything ripped out from under me.
perhaps that's a bit insane. maybe not.
but i will tell you that i'm sick of always being in the dark, with everything.
sometimes i'm fragile, but i've heard otherwise.
but, if that's the case: come clean with me.
hurt me. crush me. break me. bury me.
i want you to.
because at least you're doing something.
and i'm not having to do it by myself with words you always leave unspoken.
just when i start to believe you could mean everything, i find myself having
to retract my own thoughts.
not that i have a massive problem with this, i've grown an immunity through
similar situations.
silly me to believe that somehow you could have been so much more than
just another situation for me to boast over one night in a drunken stupor.
i was right in my assumption that the world IS back and white.
absolutely no gray area- anywhere.
it either is or isn't.
yes or no.
there are no excuses.
stop worrying that perhaps you'll cause some major stop sign in somebody's life.
because that's what it is. LIFE.
it stops for no one. not even you and you're fucking specialness.
you're here just like everybody else is.
and when you're gone, you're gone.
i'm not saying any of this in a morbid sense, although it could all very well be
taken as such.
i mean it in a metaphorical sense, imagine that.
sure you'll cause some delay. it's possible that you'll cause a detour and some
car crashes.
but, in the end, you'll be a lesson learned. never forgotten.
because, who would really want to have to deal with another you?



when you leave, i'll be the lucky one.
not you.
because you're losing the world and everything in it.
while i, am merely losing some pathetic person who cannot find the
decency to step up and tell me what's really going on and instead
cowards off into the night never to be seen or heard from again.
perhaps i'm being a bit... conceited?
but you know what. i have the right to be.
i've been told i'm not good enough by people who are in no position to tell
me what is and isn't right. that i've let them down and hurt them.
i'm learning that i really am above all of this.
i am special. i am beautiful. i am smart. i am funny.
i have a lot going for me.
you'd be lucky to find somebody who has one iota of what i do.



denial : A refusal to accept or believe something
-what a beautiful thing

no title.

i have nothing to say-
nothing consisting of any depth at least.
i have no idea what's wrong with me.
i sincerely wish i did though...
but, i'm sure if i knew what was up with
my little mind, then i wouldn't type in this thing,
and my friends would probably be a lot less annoyed.
i want to get away.
but i want to stay right where i am.
neither option really seems that inviting or welcoming.
i'm alone right now...
and i hate it.
both in a mental and physical sense.
i don't even have thoughts to keep me company.
somehow i've managed to stop all formation of advice,
creativity, and REAL thought. i feel so strange and
out of place. does anybody ever feel that way?
that in a sense, they've lost a part of their mind...
i can't even begin to put into words how my mind
is functioning right now. for those who know me, this is
a first. i've always been able to put my thoughts down.
to explain every feeling i go through. but this, this is a first.
and i can tell you i hope it's a last.
i feel useless and pathetic.
that i'm going to lose it at any secet. that i could burst into
tears at any second when conflict arises. that's not like me.
i feel like i'm on an island alone. stranded.
and sadly, nobody misses me.
everybody feels like that a few times throughout their life...
but somehow, this time feels different.
i'm not even making much sense. or, actually. i'm making
perfect sense. and for once. i don't like it- at all.

it's simply amazing...

that they still haven't caught on.


oh well.