whatever.

even when i don't talk to you, you somehow find a new way to break my heart.
i don't know if if the sickness in my body, or the uncertainty of my mind.
this just feels like some never-ending hallway and i'm finally running out of steam.
i've given it everything i had, and my best wasn't enough.
missed calls and late replies are the story of my life.

i project the love i have inside to so many unwilling people.
and i don't learn.
maybe because i'm scared of getting the same reaction from them.
for them to want to be devoted to me.
that's uncertainty.
we all fear the unknown.
but if i fear it, how can i yearn for it?

this is silly and small and pointless. but i had to get it out... it's nothing major.

it's silly what one little photograph can do.

"i'm willing to break myself, i'm not afraid"

i can't seem to find the right words
to the thoughts i'm trying to process.
why waste time trying to find
lengthly words, when you won't remember
the things i've so desperately tried to convey.
you are the song i've grown to love with age.
you are the comfort you can only find during winter naps.
you are the controlled chaos i want to be a part of.
the wishful thinking that flows through my mind
as the hours slip away and blend into one another,
falls short of actually meaning something.
things would be far easier in a different time and a different place.
you are a world away from me.
and these silly words are a poor portrayal of what i'd really like to say,
but each word has been carefully thought out and put down with care.
we're not always supposed to get what we want,
that's where settling slowly makes it's entrance.
and maybe i don't want to settle, maybe i want catastrophe.
maybe i want to hurt just to feel a minute of the risk i'd be willing to take.
regardless of what may come or what has been, i will love you.
i will love you for your mistakes.
i will love you for your triumphs.
i will love you for your silly way with words.
i will love you for your open arms and gentle heart.
i'd like to believe i know a part of you that no one else gets to see,
a side that is vulnerable, and perhaps scared of what may happen.
i don't know who you are, but i want to.
i want to know everything that you're willing to tell me.
i'm already scared of what i might find... let's hope not.
"i want to save you, i need you to save me too"

maybe these words bear little impact,
but at least i tried.


i will be with you

xo

The Salvation of Carpal Tunnel

happiness never lasts forever.
the ties have slowly come undone-
bang.
bang.
bang.
- but new knots have began forming inside me.
this bed of needles has slowly started to sting.
pour salt in the wounds, i want sweet distraction.
bang.
bang.
bang.
i focus so hard on the cries and the screams
i forget to breathe.
my teeth grind harder and harder till the pain sets in.
bang.
bang.
bang.
nobody would believe me if i spoke it out loud.
so i'll write, write till my fingers lose all feeling.
till my eyes cross and i'm blinded by the glow of this screen.
the only company i can keep.
this clock has proven to tick on schedule,
the fall out has came just as expected.
bang.

bang.

BANG.

"i hate how much i love you."

i should be happy.
and i am.
but, i this is just a bit of sadness mixed in.
i'm going to see my favorite band, with two of my favorite people,
yet somehow, people i don't even care about (or shouldn't care about)
are getting to me.
i realize that i've been alive 20 years. and that entire time, i have been alone.
people say 'oh you're young, you have plenty of time'
that doesn't help me feel better at all.
i have never had a relationship, be it healthy or unhealthy.
i have had obsessions.
i have had best friends.
i have had late-night calls.
but that is all i have had.
i have been the fall back.
i have been the sister.
i have been the one who will always be there.
i have been one of the guys.
and i'm tired of it.
i don't ask for much, i really don't think i do.
and this is bitching i seem to do on a very frequent basis, but i can't stop.
sometimes it seems just incredibly overwhelming i can't stop myself.
i realize i'm not the most attractive human ever.
but that's not all that matters, is it?
i'm not afraid to act stupid. i'm not afraid to be loud. i'm not afraid to be opinionated. i'm not afraid to laugh.
yet somehow, my personality doesn't even seem like it's enough.
i don't know what to think.

two years, and i have closure, maybe i shouldn't have gotten it after it.