"and will we ever end up together? no i think not..."

be my reason for wanting to walk through hell.

i'd die just so you'd know i once lived.


i'm amazed by you, it never ceases.
if only know you how much power you possess.
you have my heart in the palm of your hand-
it's starting to beat in unison with yours.
sometimes i have to remember to breathe
just because you're around.

you're the only thing that can build me up within minutes of the latest disaster
-but you're also the one who seems to usually cause that trainwreck.

you're so hypnotic on my heart

don't take advantage of that...

"the things i've become, something is missing... maybe i... what do i know"

apparently nothing.

i'm screaming for something
knowing nothing, is better than knowing at all

i haven't experienced true heartache in quite some time.
and i'm experiencing it again- but on a new level.

i'm losing somebody that i've known for, practically my entire life.
somebody who i can honestly say knows every thing about me:
my highs, my lows, my bipolarity, my anger issues.
somebody who knows the real me.
i miss the old days. before everything got too complicated.
i'm realizing that i'm no longer a major component in their life.
one of the sad, sad disadvantages to growing up.
i'm on the verge of crying right now. because i'm going through
a mental book filled with memories and pictures.
somebody i would give my life for, betray all others for,
cannot stand me anymore.
i've been pushed away. and filed under some random card catalog
of her past. i'm probably being far too emotional about something
that i'm more than likely putting much too much thought into.
but my heart is breaking slowly and steadily each day.
i'm losing the most important person i will probably ever have in my life.

the biggest irony of all is that i've always pushed her away.
i've always been the bully. the one who never needed her.
she was always the pest. something i never wanted to be associated with
because for some odd reason, i believed i was above her. far too cool
and mature for her and her daunting needs and wants.
if i'd have known all those years, that i was probably hurting the best friend
God will ever grant me. causing her the pain that i'm now in.
i would change it all... i would go back in time somehow.
let her know how important she is to me. that i couldn't live without her.

the logical thing would be to talk to her. but i can't. because i know how the
outcome will be.
i'll be told i'm overly dramatic. that i cannot stand the fact that she's happy.
and that could be the truth underneath it all.
i want her happiness above all others, because i know what she's been through
and i know how much she deserves it.
but does having her happy, mean that i must lose her?
is that the vicious price i have to pay for her to be happy with her life?
i suppose i'm selfish.
i just miss my best friend.

wearing your black eye
like a badge of honor
soak it in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me...

"You Always Come Close... But This Never Comes Easy..."

i think in fragments and jumbled words.
i stare into space trying to think of perfect combinations
like pieces of a puzzle.
sometimes they fit
but more than often they don't.

my mood changes by the hour...

i can be the magic in the wind that circles around you ... giving you an instant glimpse into eternal youth and beauty.

and i can just as quickly shapeshift into the cold shot of shame that dances down your spine and the flesh that crawls at the touch of a past lover.

i will never know who i really am.

and to be honest, i don't want to

because i fear that what i'll find... won't be something i'll like.

i'm not ready to meet my demons. i'm not ready to be placed inside the lions den without any form of defense.

i feel pity for those helpless bystanders and players that deal with my everchanging personalities on a daily basis.

i truly apologize to those who you who deal with my devastating aftermath.

i love you more than any words i can form in my mind. i could wear my fingers to the bones trying to thank you for lending a kind ear when my words so desperately needed a home to rest awhile in...

you are the stars that guide me each night.
the notes and melodies that steer me into dreams.
you are what keeps my heart beating everyday.

and you are composed of the words that my mind will never be brilliant enough to comprehend.

'time is up and you're never gunna get another chance now'

have you ever just lost yourself in a song.
one that may not have any real personal meaning for you
one where you don't understand the meaning...
but somehow, you find yourself hitting the 'play' button one more time-
just so you can somehow be flashed into somewhere deep inside yourself?
the highs and lows of the music... the gentle rap of the drums...
serves as some sort of sanctuary where you're untouchable and detached from the world
and everything that's in it.
it's not because i'm sad, it's quite the contrary.
i'm extraordinarily happy... more so than i can ever remember being.
i'm still riding hight- i just fear that i'll be shot down soon.
i suppose you shouldn't look at life like that, that you should just enjoy the good
but it's so easy to go ahead and look for what can ruin the happiness you're enjoying.
you can't have good without bad...

i worry about you.
i pray for you.
and i hope that to each of you that aren't happy.
that can't find that safe spot...
that you can one day. that it'll will come to you without effort.

sometimes i feel like how i feel, is almost too crazy to begin to explain to others.
it's not that i cannot explain it... i tend not too because the only words that could
help make the picture just a bit clearer, are the very ones that would make people
look at me as if i'm some maniac.

sometimes i get so excited, it feels like the emotion is going to come climbing out of my mouth.
like drinking that huge gulp of water after a long work out... but in reverse.
this sensation shoots up your spine. mingles and kisses your vocal cords.
only distracting them from actually making any type of sound.
and finally the feeling exits your body via your mouth as quietly as it seemed to form in your gut.
and you're left with a huge, goofy smile plastered across your face like a plastic barbie- expect not as attractive.
more in that wednesday addam's type of way.
you don't look right, but you can't help your muscles from forming that god forsaken face.

i've felt like that for a while now.
even though there are only a select few who have the honor of seeing that smile.
for once i feel like i belong to something, something that doesn't even know who i am.
i don't even know exactly what it is that i belong to.
but it's completely taken over me.
and pulsed through my every capillary... and somehow is keeping my heart beating...
and simultaneously keeps my dreams pushing through the blurry clouds my mind forms
as i drift off into sleep.
it's what keeps me one step ahead of the game.
i've never felt like this before.
that i'm where i'm meant to be. doing what i'm meant to be doing.
i'm embracing every opportunity that is being placed infront of me.
i never want to look back and wish that i'd have done something. gone somewhere.
so one day i may no longer have to write fiction.
that one day, i can have something interesting to tell people.
this world is so vast. there's so much out there to be done.
and i'm done with standing around waiting for it to happen.
i'm over letting fear rule my life.
i'm done playing along with it's rules.
so much seems to be happening right now.
one door leading to another in a never ending corridor...
think... alice in wonderland
and i'm in love with this chase.
my smile gets bigger with each turn of the knob.
fuck the candies on the table.
fuck the court.
and fuck the queen.
it's my fucking time to rule wonderland.
and i intend on doing it right.

"tonight, tonight"

i have come to the firm conclusion that
fate and destiny are completely real.
and i cannot believe that i doubted both for so long.


tonight, you'll be the one singing me to sleep in my speakers.

thanks for the memories- and the amazing night.

'the impossible is possible tonight'

'your voice was the soundtrack of my summer'

i hope and pray
that you are secretly that star i wish on-
the one that shines brighter than the rest,
and is thousands of miles above my head each night.
and i wish that
you are hoping and praying
for someone like me
to be that little speck
far below the bright lights of the city
that you long to fall asleep with each night.



though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light
i have loved the stars too fondly, to be fearful of the night.

"would it be alright if i just crash here tonight"

that time has seemed to roll back around.
and this is my only source of comfort: the words i try to frantically type out before they escape my mind.
the walls have all crashed down. and not in an eyeopening way.
more like the whole "end of the world" type way.
destruction and chaos everywhere.
i could feel it building up and dreaded the downfall that i knew would be inevitable.
i feel like a completely different person when i write on these things.
a person few will ever be able to see, not because i'm hiding it or don't want to let others in.
because i suppose it's fear more than anything. i can speak to myself all day long
but when i physically speak with somebody else, i stumble over my own clumsy words
each a little worse than the last. and i wonder if i'm even making any sense to the other person at all.
even my 'deepest' of moments seem rather shallow and don't have much meat to them.
they're merely skeletons.
and that's how i feel.
the things that should give me life, aren't here right now.
not in a physical sense. figuratively only.
i don't even have the faintest desire to do anything that could potentially make me happy.
because i know it won't.
i've listened to the same old reliable songs. watched the same timeless movies. talked to the
golden people. forced a smile on my face.
but that doesn't take me out of this hole i've managed to put myself in without even realizing it.
i'm not wallowing in my own pity. i'm not wallowing for others.
i'm not even sure why i'm upset.
i feel like i will never be good enough. i will let everyone down. i will let myself down.
and i don't want to include any other people that i could possibly drag down with me.
i don't want to have to explain myself further to anybody. because i know it won't make sense.
i have every reason on this earth to smile, to be happy, to feel love. but why can't i?
those few moments i wrote about a post or two ago, are the only times i do feel those things.
when they aren't around i feel completely hallow. even the marrow has been sucked out of my bones.
and i can't begin to explain why.
i'm sure by writing this i'm wasting precious space for porno websites and 15 year old girls
who make their lives seem 10 times worse than what they actually are by use of some random blog.
probably much like i'm doing right now.
the money doesn't make you happy.
the possessions don't make you happy.
and, as much as you wish it helped, the people don't seem to make you happy.
what do you do then?
i feel like a horrible person that i can't find happiness in my friends.
i love them all more than my own life. and would give mine for them to just smile.
why can't i feel okay?
i haven't gotten out of my bed all day. the shutters have remained closed.
the same sappy,mellow-dramatic music has been pulsing through the wires to my ears.
why is it that sometimes the saddest of things are what we need to bring us back to the level we should be at.
'she fell in love in the first place'
-i did and i haven't been the same since
i'm rambling about absolutely nothing.
i can't cry. i should cry. let it out. but i can't. i feel the hurt seeping up my throat.
and getting caught there, never making it to my eyes.
i'm left speechless.
i wonder if this is the 'sophomore slump' they refer to?
i want to not be me. i want it to be halloween.
i want to be in LA living a lie.
i want to bask in the sun and let waves crash over me and let the tide take away whatever this is.
i want to stay out until the sun comes up, with the people that make this life worth living everyday.
and i fear that i won't get that. i want out of this town. out of this state.
i want to see what life is like away from all of this. and i want to bring those that truly love me with me.
my dreams seem so unrealistic.
that's what breaks my heart most i think,
to realize what you want, is a big joke.
something you'll just talk about during the idle times of chitchat and there's nothing better to say.
it's not that i've grown out of this town, or most of the people.
i just don't feel like this is my 'home' anymore.
i think those days died when my childhood faded away.
this is probably just some phase, but somehow i don't think it is. and i don't think it will leave till i do.
i feel like a stranger in my house.
i feel psycho.
not in the sense that i should do something incredibly drastic and stupid.
but just psycho in general terms.

i don't know what else to say.
if you've never heard the song 'all i want' by toad the wet sprocket
check it out. even the lyrics.
you'll enjoy it, i've listened to it on repeat for the past 20 minutes

"knock me out and let me go back to sleep"

i'm now a firm believer that a lack of sleep will cause you to look at the world differently
that's probably just me though.
and honestly, i don't think i'd trade it for the world.




we definately put the fun in dysfunctional.



i'm losing my mind.




really.

"still feel you on the inside"

you are my Venom.


i can feel you coursing through my veins
the power you hold over me
after all this time
you are what has caused me to find comfort in solitude
to embrace the dark as though it were the light.
for that, i suppose i should give you thanks.
you were my lesson i had to learn in order to grow.
i don't, and will never, regret you.
you no longer encompass my every single thought.
you were lust. you were flesh. you were nothing.
and i allowed you to begin transforming me into the same.
that is what i do regret.

i'm at such a weird spot in my life.
like the fork-in-the-road is here. except... there are
different directions everywhere i look. sadly, i don't even
know which each direction leads to. i don't know my options.
so i'm stranded. and frankly, that's fine with me.
there's something strangely fascinating about "the unknown"

my eyeslids are finally beginning to get heavy.
24+ hours of no sleep and it's finally setting in.
i want to dream of a far off place where
i can find solace amongst a kingdom of Trash and interconnecting wires.
where fantasy and reality merge to form a beautifully demented wasteland.
the manic's are royal blood... the word 'sanity' cannot be uttered
for fear of being branded a heretic.
i wish to dream of beauty. love. acceptance. in some of the most unlikey
of places.



please let me be the one who will look after you...

"cause my mind just can't stop moving, i think i know why..."

sometimes i really do think i'm crazy.

but honestly, i wouldn't trade this feeling.

i love that i have such hope and faith...
which could be viewed as childish.
but i'm feeling something.
which so many people tend to lose as they age.
so i may be immature. who cares?

i love the fact that i get so swept up in the smallest of things.
that the smallest of details stand out more to me than anything.
i adore it. i live for it.

i don't live my life for major milestones. not at all.
i live for those small moments, when the world stops.
you're infinite. nothing can hold you down. the only things that matter
are you, your company, and the endless sky above you.
the conversations. the wind. the smells of the air swirling around you.
and for those few seconds that come and go... you feel like you're not you.
you're somebody who is perfect. you are the luckiest person to ever live.
you're bigger than everything that has ever lived on this earth.
nothing can bring you down. nothing can break you.
you're untouchable.



and then it all crashes down.


you desperately cling to those memories of invinciblity.
where you were safe... but they're ripped away from you
quickly and drastically. and you scramble with everything in your power
to keep those memories close to you.
but the moments you need them most... they're no where to be found.
it's only in the quiet moments of the night... when you're in your bed
enveloped by the darkness and silence of the night... that they reappear.
and you're okay. nothing else matters.
they lull you into dreams.
and you're back in that safe spot.
with those you love. where the wind blows your hair back.
the music blares but is slowly drowned out by smiles and laughs.
and you think that nothing could be more perfect.
you're given a vision of heaven in those dreams.... in those few fleeting seconds
that is your heaven.
and i hope to God you fight to keep them close.
because that is all we really have in this world.
why jeopardize the only things you can truly call yours?

"how in the hell could i have been so blind"

i'm joining the bandwagon
it hasn't pulled out just yet
i'm going to belong to something if it kills me.
everything in this world seems almost like wonderland.
one day everything is a tea party, the next the queen is after you.
for some reason i cannot deal with the unexpected, yet i'm i love being spontaneous.

does that make much sense?

probably not.

there are these moments when things almost seem too much
but in that good way, where you physically feel the air being sucked from your lungs.
where your knees buckle. and for a moment you are completely paralyzed.
the only thing moving is the beating of your heart in a slow steady rate.
you choke on words that cannot even begin their formation
they get lost somewhere between your heart and your lips.
your teeth prevent them from ever being birthed.
and in that moment, a chance fades like a dying light.
a movie moment that will never be seen, until the rare, limited edition release.
and by that point, what does it really matter?
it apparently wasn't good enough for the final product
like so many things in life seem to be.

and that's where i usually find myself. i feel like the words
trapped behind a blockade of teeth. my actions can never fully be justified.
i cannot be explained. merely taken for what i really am.
a jumble of high intensity moments and irrational thoughts.
i don't bother trying to explain myself to anyone anymore
what good will it really do? i've learned to bite my tongue.
i let rage build until i snap and unleash on the first unsuspecting victim.
i can't seem to stop it. but, then again, it seems like some of the most
monumental things in life are those that cannot be prepared for nor are expected.

i won't deny the fact that i sometimes wish i was still on your mind.
sometimes you still consume my day. and i hate that.
i hate you for what you've done. i forgive you, but the hate is still there none the less.
you're not happy, for that- i pity you. but you've dug your own grave
and i hope the bloodsuckers keep you company late into the night.
you'll never escape them now.

when my mind isn't consumed with thoughts of past unrequited loves
and the mistakes made by both parties
i think of far off worlds. that aren't even other worlds.
they're 3000 miles away at times. sometimes the other side of the globe.
depending on when you catch them.
i stop and realize my insanity. only a privileged few are allowed into
my world fantasy. those few are the ones who do not judge my dreams
no matter how childish they may seem.
i feel a connection, that's almost electric at times. and too much
for me to contain. and even when it's shared, it seems too much.
you're voice always gives me chills. i'm addicted to it.
nothing can take that away from me.
and although it may be one of the biggest letdowns and disappoints
of my life, i don't care. because the nonexistent love i feel from you
is more than i have ever felt from those who i have found shelter next to at night.
that terrifies me and amazes me all at the same time.

maybe i'm a bit psycho. maybe i'm a bit much. maybe i think too quick for my own good.
but i'm alright with that. because really. love is merely obsession. those who beg to differ
have never really loved.