apparently nothing.
i'm screaming for something
knowing nothing, is better than knowing at all
i haven't experienced true heartache in quite some time.
and i'm experiencing it again- but on a new level.
i'm losing somebody that i've known for, practically my entire life.
somebody who i can honestly say knows every thing about me:
my highs, my lows, my bipolarity, my anger issues.
somebody who knows the real me.
i miss the old days. before everything got too complicated.
i'm realizing that i'm no longer a major component in their life.
one of the sad, sad disadvantages to growing up.
i'm on the verge of crying right now. because i'm going through
a mental book filled with memories and pictures.
somebody i would give my life for, betray all others for,
cannot stand me anymore.
i've been pushed away. and filed under some random card catalog
of her past. i'm probably being far too emotional about something
that i'm more than likely putting much too much thought into.
but my heart is breaking slowly and steadily each day.
i'm losing the most important person i will probably ever have in my life.
the biggest irony of all is that i've always pushed her away.
i've always been the bully. the one who never needed her.
she was always the pest. something i never wanted to be associated with
because for some odd reason, i believed i was above her. far too cool
and mature for her and her daunting needs and wants.
if i'd have known all those years, that i was probably hurting the best friend
God will ever grant me. causing her the pain that i'm now in.
i would change it all... i would go back in time somehow.
let her know how important she is to me. that i couldn't live without her.
the logical thing would be to talk to her. but i can't. because i know how the
outcome will be.
i'll be told i'm overly dramatic. that i cannot stand the fact that she's happy.
and that could be the truth underneath it all.
i want her happiness above all others, because i know what she's been through
and i know how much she deserves it.
but does having her happy, mean that i must lose her?
is that the vicious price i have to pay for her to be happy with her life?
i suppose i'm selfish.
i just miss my best friend.
wearing your black eye
like a badge of honor
soak it in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me...
